Fan Fic needs help

Non-music works of yours and others' making. Art, poetry, fimfics, and more. Member specific threads are encouraged (e.g. a sketchbook).

Fan Fic needs help

Postby Bronies Are Cool » 11 May 2014 21:39

Hey. I am writin a fan fic and I need helping correcting grammar and fixing errors before I upload it to fimfiction. I would also request that maybe someone can make a cover for me. Please (insert puppy dog face here) I would love it if the cover included the two OCs on it. The OCs are in the fanfic of course. They are Nebula and Sunshine.

This fanfic is loosely based on my own life and relationship with my parents and girlfriend and people around me. So Nebula is loosely a representation of myself. Sunshine is a loose representation of my girlfriend. Significant pony OCs will also represent different people I know. Like, Nebula's mom represents mine. Etc. so, yea.

This is going to be a slice of life and somewhat romantic story. I will also add some humor because that's what I do.
I also tell the story as if I am talking. It's going to be rated pg12 so it's pretty family friendly for the most part. So yea. I guess I'll post the story now. Please give your opinion on it, and find errors in grammar and stuff. Or if it literally makes no sense at some spots, let me know. Also, I am not a professional writer. I have not even told a story in over a year so please go easy in me. :3

Chapter One

It was a normal day. Just like any normal day, I woke up and went to school. I had a morning class in the Ponyville single room school building. Ms. Cherilee teaches the younger fillies, and was in the room making plans for their afternoon class. Dr. Hoofington was here to teach us older ponies in our adolescent years.

"Alright class, today we are going to have another student coming so lets be nice to her, okay?" Dr. Hoofington said as he pointed a hoof to the door. A mare came into the room, she had a pastel lilac fur and a baby blue mane. Her eyes were also baby blue and looked kind of like they eyes of Aloe and Lotus. "Introduce yourself to the class. What is your name, what do you like?" hoofington said.

She looked to the class, taking in all the information she could about who was here. "I am Sunshine. I like to make ponies happy. I came from Canterlot to live here in ponyville because my dad got a job here." She said.

"Well thats interesting, please take a seat next to Nebula." Hoofington said pointing to a seat next to mine.

And so she sat there and Dr. Hoofington began to lecture the class about the history of the everfree. I thought it was kind of interesting because it had a lot to do with Discord. Actually, pretty much everything that had to do with discord was interesting. I think discord can do some really cool things and he is....

"Nebula!" Dr. Hoofington said, "Can you tell me who discovered the everfree?"

"Um... it was...." I should have not been drifting off.

"It was Princess Luna." Sunshine said.

"You are correct Sunshine. Next time Nebula, pay attention." Dr. Hoofington said. All I could do is shake my head. I looked over to Sunshine and mouthed a "thank you". She smiled at me and winked.

I didn't really know what to do, so I went back to paying attention to the class. At the end of the day, we had a quick pop quiz about what we just learned and some stuff we went over a few days ago. And it was pretty easy, even Sunshine was able to pass it with ease.

After school, I began walking home. I didn't really have anything to do other than a few homework things, but otherwise I had pretty much nothing. Then I heard my name being called from behind me, it was Sunshine. She cantered up to me and began walking beside me.

"Hi," She said.

"Hi" I responded.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Going home"

"Oh, cool." she looked around like to see if anyone was there.

I took another look at her. It never occurred to me that she didn't have her cutie mark yet. "Oh, you don't have your cutie mark yet." I stated.

"Yea, I noticed you didn't either, so I thought we might get along pretty well." She exclaimed.

"Oh, interesting thought you have." I replied.

She didn't really have anything else to say, she probably didn't know how to respond. I kind of felt bad for her because I wasn't being a very good conversationalist. So, we just kept walking, in silence. Just the sound of the wind and our hoofs were making noises. And the birds too. And the leaves were making noise in the wind. Okay, so it wasn't really that silent, but we didn't talk, we just kind of walked.

When I got to my house, I just waved to her and walked inside. Nopony was home, nobody to stop me from doing what I want to do. I looked outside the window real quick, Sunshine was still nearby.

"Hey! Sunshine!" I yelled out the window. Her ears perked up as she turned around. "Wanna check out my house?" I asked. She smiled and came right up to my door.

"That would be fun." She replied. I opened the door for her and let her put her saddle bag down by the door. I actually hid them behind a table near the front door.

"My mom doesn't like it when I invite ponies over without asking first." I said.

"Oh, same here. My parents usually say its ok to invite ponies over when I ask though." Sunshine replied.

"Mine don't. I don't usually have anypony here." I mumbled.

"Are your parents strict?" She inquired.

"Just a little. Like, they are reasonably strict. I tend to get myself into trouble every once in a while. So, they have their reasons for their rules."

"Doesn't everypony get into trouble?" Sunshine asked. It's true, most ponies do get into trouble probably just as often as I do. I kind of shrugged to her question and then decided it was a good time to start the tour.

We were already in the living room, the front door leads into it. It connected to the kitchen without any walls, it's an open concept kind of house. I then took her upstairs and showed her my parents room real quick, and then my room.

My room was kind of messy. I realized I forgot to make my bed and what few clothes I had was just lying around on the floor. There was an open book on the floor, the bookshelf had slanted books and fallen books on it. A drawer in my dresser was left open revealing my vests. Using my magic, I quickly levitated and put everything away, clothes in the hamper, fixing the bed, closing the closet door, closing the dresser.

"Um, this is my room." I said.

"That was some pretty good magic skills you just displayed." Sunshine said with genuine amazement in her voice.

I started rubbing my neck, a little embarrassed of my ability. "I have a lot of alone time, I practice a lot."

"That's not a bad thing!" Sunshine exclaimed. "That's not bad at all."


"Yea. Most ponies our age can't lift multiple objects at once like that. Even some adult ponies can't do that."

Wow. Sunshine liked that. I thought that ponies would make fun of me for being a try-hard with magic.

"Maybe I can show you how to do that sometime," I said.

"That would be sweet. I'd love..."

The door opened up downstairs.

"My mom is home. Shh. She can't see you. I'll lift you out my window and get your saddle bag in a moment." I whispered. Sunshine shook her head in response. I opened the window with my magic an lifted her out and gently set her on the ground.

Then I started down the stairs, my mom was in the kitchen. She hasn't seen the bag yet. She had yellow fur and a light green mane. Her cutie mark was a diaper and a baby bottle, my mom's talent is being a baby sitter.

"Hello" I said casually.


"How was babysitting?"


"Oh, cool." I feel that she doesn't really wanna talk. She finished making her sandwich and then started walking upstairs and she went into her room to put her stuff away. I waited until her door was closed before I got the bag out and went around to the back where I set sunshine down.

When I looked outside the window, she wasn't there. Where did she go? I went back to the front to look out that window, she was a little way away from my house looking like she was minding her own business. I quietly opened the window and levitated the bag through it and sent it her way. I set it down on her back and she waved to me before she started walking away.

I closed the window and turned around to go into the kitchen to get myself a snack. My mom came back down the stairs, her sandwich only half eaten at this point. I started munching on some flower petal chips, one of the most addicting snacks ever.

"Who was that mare?" My mom asked.

My ears fell behind my head, I felt myself blush a little bit.

"Um, it's a new mare at school." I said.

"Oh. Is she nice?" My mom asked.

"Kind of. I barely know her." I replied.

"Oh." Was all she had to say to that. I feel like talking to my mom is kind of weird sometimes.


Later that day, Derpy came by with the mail. I had received a note saying to go to Sugar Cube Corner. It didn't say who sent it, nor what for. I was kind of curious to see what it was, I don't usually even get letters.

I put the rest of the mail down on the counter in the kitchen and then walked into the living room. I showed my mom the note and asked her if I could go.

"Be home before dinner. And don't eat too much at S-C-C or else you'll be in big trouble." She said. That's her code for sugar cube corner. I didn't even have any bits on me so that wouldn't even be a problem.

"Thank you," I said and I went out the door headed to sugar cube corner. I galloped there in a few minutes, Ponyville is kind of a small town so it doesn't take long to get from point A to point B.

Upon arriving at Sugar Cube Corner, Sunshine was inside and she was with another mare. She had pink fur and a yellow mane with some pink and blue highlights. She gave Sunshine some bits from her bag and then began walking out. I held the door or her and then went inside.

"Hey Nebula" Sunshine said. "Have a smoothie on me."

"Oh. No thank you." I tried to decline, I'm too polite. Maybe I'm just awkward.

"No, I insist. What do you like?" She was persistent.

"Chocolate tastes good. I like chocolate." I answered, I was blushing for sure.

Sunshine turned to Ms.Cake. "I'll also have a chocolate smoothie."

"Small please!" I interjected. "My mom doesn't want me to have too much before dinner.

"Ok honey. A banana smoothie and a chocolate smoothie coming right up. That'll be three bits." Said Ms. Cake. "We'll come serve you two. Go sit down. Go."

"C'mon. Lets sit here." Sunshine led me to a booth where we both sat down. I didn't know if she wanted to talk about something or what. I mean, I guess I kind of assume she wanted to talk about something. I just don't know what.

"Tell me about yourself," she said. She was looking into my eyes as if she was actually interested.

"I um...." Where do I start? "I live in Ponyville. My parents are semi strict. I like working with magic, especially magic powered mechanisms. I like looking through my telescope late at night. I don't like oranges. I want to visit canterlot. One time, Rainbowdash flew into me because she wasn't paying attention to where she was going."

"Who is that?" Sunshine asked. I forgot she is new here for a second.

"She is in charge of the weather ponies around here. Beats me how she got that position. I mean like, she is fast and stuff, but she is really lazy pretty much all the time. I usually see her napping, more so than working. But when she is working, she works really quickly and thoroughly."

"Oh," said sunshine. "You sound like you kind of dislike her."

"I don't dislike her at all. She is actually pretty nice. She is really loyal to her friends. Like, she told me about some griffon friend she had from her flight school some years back. Like, she is still friends with her and she also has a friend from flight school here in Ponyville. She's pretty cool to talk to. Except when she starts talking about herself. Which happens kind of often."

"Well, she sounds nice. I'd like to meet her."

"Yea. I would recommend meeting her."

Ms. Cake came with the smoothies. "Here you go you two." She set down the smoothies and then winked at us. Sunshine smiled back to her. I was kind of embarrassed. Did she think we were dating?

So, our conversation continued, Sunshine would ask me a question about something I say and then I would end up kind of drifting off into another story. After talking about Rainbowdash, I talked about Fluttershy. Like, I don't even know much about her because she is scared of me. I didn't even do anything to make her scared. Rainbowdash says its just how she is.

I talked about the animals around Ponyville and how every once in a while, a random weird animal comes to town. Like last week, some weird wooden wolf type thing came out of the Everfree and one of the ranch-hoof ponies chased it back. I talked about how the library has not had a librarian in a few years but the ponies of Ponyville just kind of take care of it ourselves.

I also talked about how there is some shop in Ponyville that sells really weird things. It literally only sells sofas and quills. Sunshine thought it was funny.

"Wow. You seem to know everything about Ponyville." Sunshine said.

"I just pay attention to details."

"I like that. Most ponies don't do that."

"It's really easy, you just have to take mental observations. Like..." I turned around to point some easy observations out. I pointed to a pink pony that came into the shop with a smile on her face. "See her?"


"She is happy."

"No way!"

"Way. And see him?" I pointed to Mr. Cake as he was walking down the stairs. "He is about to kiss Ms. Cake." Just then, he kissed her.

"How did you know that?"

"They are married. And he usually kisses her when they greet each other. And see that clock?" This was the first time I looked at a clock in an unknown amount of time.

"What about the clock?" Sunshine asked.

"It's says I'm late! Sorry, I gotta go home!" I exclaimed as I waved goodbye and ran outside the door.
Last edited by Bronies Are Cool on 11 May 2014 22:25, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Bronies Are Cool
Posts: 1377
Joined: 12 Feb 2013 18:37
Location: Equestria
OS: Windows 8
Primary: FL Studio
Cutie Mark: Snowboard

Re: Fan Fic needs help

Postby Bronies Are Cool » 11 May 2014 22:23

Ok. I forgot to say that this also takes place before the first episode of the first season. So, twilight isn't even in Ponyville yet. Nightmare moon is still on the moon. Etc
User avatar
Bronies Are Cool
Posts: 1377
Joined: 12 Feb 2013 18:37
Location: Equestria
OS: Windows 8
Primary: FL Studio
Cutie Mark: Snowboard

Re: Fan Fic needs help

Postby Bronies Are Cool » 12 May 2014 06:41

Ok. I'll take all of this into serious consideration and go back to make my edits. Thanks for your input.
User avatar
Bronies Are Cool
Posts: 1377
Joined: 12 Feb 2013 18:37
Location: Equestria
OS: Windows 8
Primary: FL Studio
Cutie Mark: Snowboard

Return to Pony Fan Works Gossip

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests