by Thunder Dash » 02 Aug 2015 19:49
Okay...
Unfortunately, I don't think your voice is in the right character for this song. It sounds too nasal and is really a big distraction for me, as I'm trying to get into the feel of the song. I can help you get the vocals right. What you need is a deep and hollow sound. Also, the attack on your voice is too sharp for the song. Smooth it out by opening up yourself so that way you can get more air in and let more out for a crisper and smoother note.
Next, I would honestly leave out the percussion for this track. It seemed to take away the feel of the song by adding unnecessary sounds that take away from the character. Always remember your title. Your title is a crucial part of the song, as it gives a first impression. The percussion takes away from that "broken empire" feel. However, if you were to put percussion, maybe put a gong strike after the first chorus.
In terms of the progressions and chords, you've got a somewhat limited progression. You're limiting yourself to only two chords in the intro:
i-ii-i-ii
This makes for a somewhat boring intro. I see you did put octave strings when you repeated it, but it's still not enough. An intro should really have about four chords. Here's what I suggest
i-VII-VI-V
Alternatively, you could do this
i-ii(diminished)-III(+6)-IV-V
The second choice could actually go right after the intro. When you start the intro, start with a single violin. When you go to the second of the progressions shown above, bring in the sectional strings for a nice and full sound.
By the way, I like the crystal sound you had in the beginning melody. But that cannot be going on for so long, because it started to get repetitive by time the song reached to the second verse. I suggest using that crystal sound in between choruses and verses.
Overall, this song could use quite a bit of work, especially on the vocals. I can help you revamp this song if you'd like.