[pony][orchestralish] Broken empire

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[pony][orchestralish] Broken empire

Postby Familiar Foreigner » 30 Jul 2015 03:01

First song with my own voice, and I don't really know how to handle it. Is it too loud/soft? Is the recording quality okay (it's a decent mic, but not the best)? How can I refine it?
Also, comments on the lyrics themselves and the overall composition will be very much appreciated.
https://soundcloud.com/familiar-foreigner/broken-empire-wip1

Spoiler lyrics:
Dawn again, the sun awakens
It brings us light and warmth and
We just can't seem to find
We're only empty vessels
But we still try to think
But we have lost our senses!
And it has gone away and
Disappeared across the distance

CHORUS:
And all is bright but nothings clear
And something's lurking and it's whispering in our ear

No place, no purpose, no name
No joy, no sadness, no shame
We can't feel nor recall
I wish I knew who I am
Despite my walking and talking
I wasn't fully revived
I think it's been a thousand years
Since I could feel alive


The crystals glitter in the light
Through all the day and all the night
We watch with nothing else to do
We watch with empty eyes and hearts
What is it we can't recall?
What began this kingdom's fall?
We would have found out if
We could bring ourselves to care at all

CHORUS:
And all is bright but nothings clear
And something's lurking and it's whispering in our ear

No place, no purpose, no name
No joy, no sadness, no shame
We can't feel nor recall
I wish I knew who I am
Despite my walking and talking
I wasn't fully revived
I think it's been a thousand years
Since I could feel alive


And now the night is falling
And now the dark is growing
And there's the blackest silhouette

And only now we're having
Our one and only feeling
We
Are
A...
Fraid...


Obviously it's still a work in progress.
Call me FF.
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Familiar Foreigner
 
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Re: [pony][orchestralish] Broken empire

Postby Thunder Dash » 02 Aug 2015 19:49

Okay...

Unfortunately, I don't think your voice is in the right character for this song. It sounds too nasal and is really a big distraction for me, as I'm trying to get into the feel of the song. I can help you get the vocals right. What you need is a deep and hollow sound. Also, the attack on your voice is too sharp for the song. Smooth it out by opening up yourself so that way you can get more air in and let more out for a crisper and smoother note.

Next, I would honestly leave out the percussion for this track. It seemed to take away the feel of the song by adding unnecessary sounds that take away from the character. Always remember your title. Your title is a crucial part of the song, as it gives a first impression. The percussion takes away from that "broken empire" feel. However, if you were to put percussion, maybe put a gong strike after the first chorus.

In terms of the progressions and chords, you've got a somewhat limited progression. You're limiting yourself to only two chords in the intro:

i-ii-i-ii

This makes for a somewhat boring intro. I see you did put octave strings when you repeated it, but it's still not enough. An intro should really have about four chords. Here's what I suggest

i-VII-VI-V

Alternatively, you could do this

i-ii(diminished)-III(+6)-IV-V

The second choice could actually go right after the intro. When you start the intro, start with a single violin. When you go to the second of the progressions shown above, bring in the sectional strings for a nice and full sound.

By the way, I like the crystal sound you had in the beginning melody. But that cannot be going on for so long, because it started to get repetitive by time the song reached to the second verse. I suggest using that crystal sound in between choruses and verses.

Overall, this song could use quite a bit of work, especially on the vocals. I can help you revamp this song if you'd like.
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Re: [pony][orchestralish] Broken empire

Postby Familiar Foreigner » 04 Aug 2015 07:49

Thanks for the advice. I'll see how much I can do.
Call me FF.
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Re: [pony][orchestralish] Broken empire

Postby Thunder Dash » 05 Aug 2015 12:03

Familiar Foreigner wrote:Thanks for the advice. I'll see how much I can do.


Okay. You can always PM me if you have any problems.
Thunder Dash
 
Posts: 91
Joined: 13 Feb 2013 22:47
Location: North Carolina, USA
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