The Continuing Saga of Dave the Mighty

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The Continuing Saga of Dave the Mighty

Postby ScootaLewis » 27 Oct 2012 18:00

Alright, I'll level with you guys. I've been having too much fun with this guy.

His name is Dave. Not any relation to "Dave!", just...Dave. I created him for an OHC compo, because I was a little frustrated that I couldn't write anything. So I wrote about Dave the Bastard, mighty warrior and absolute lunatic.

Here's what I wrote:

Once upon a time, there was this guy. Let’s call him Dave.

Dave lived in a mountain. Specifically, in a cold-ass wet piece of shit cave behind a goddamn waterfall.

Dave lived here because Dave was a stone-cold fucking badass Kung-Fu master, and this shitty cave was the only place shitty enough to contain his ungodly might.

Every day, Dave stood under the pounding, crashing cascade of the purest, coldest water on earth to train his bladder so that he didn’t piss himself at night. It’s not going well.

This had the side effect of making his muscles, like, way hard, so he could punch through rocks and shit. Man, this guy can break something without even TOUCHING it, that’s how goddamn hard he is.

Anyways, one day, a bunch of bears got curious about this cave. It looked like a fricken’ paradise for them, cause they had nowhere else because they were really fuckin’ stupid bears.

So fuckin’ stupid that they didn’t know whose fucking cave it was.

It was Dave’s Cave, and Dave don’t like no brown hairy bastards trying to evict him.

So Dave grabs the first bear he sees, and with a mighty roar, loud enough to make gods tremble in fear, he RIPS this bear RIGHT IN HALF. Fuckin’ cracked it right open.

These bears are pissed now, that bear was their friend, y’know? Friends look out for each other.

So now there’s three huge, stupid bears coming at Dave.

Your average person? He’d have shat himself by now, properly soiled himself. But Dave? No, Dave’s too stone-cold badass. Dave rips the skin from the dead bear’s skull and cracks it open, wearing it like a hat.

Then he proceeds to plant his callused, rocklike foot on the dead bear’s chest, and with the merest effort, frees a rib from its fleshy prison.

Now Dave had a weapon.

Dave screamed, and charged at the closest bear, brandishing the rib bone like a spear. He punched the bear square in the nose, breaking it and dazing the bear. Using this opening, he jammed the sharp end of the rib into the bear’s eye, sending it tumbling, howling in pain, off the mountain.

Two down, two to go.

During all this, the bears had done little but look menacing. That’s menacing by our standards, by the way, not by Dave’s standards. Dave has no standards, Dave’s a bastard.

So now the other bears are actually getting their shit together, and they lumber towards Dave, thundering footfalls as they race at the enemy. One of them leaps, and swipes at Dave’s battle-scarred face. It lands a lucky blow, cutting a bunch of sick-nasty gashes in Dave’s face, but Dave don’t mind, Dave has blood to spare.

Then Dave killed the other two bears, washed himself off in the waterfall, went to sleep and promptly pissed himself.

(Bolded text was not recorded due to interruption and time constraints. Recording here: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/68478833/Music/Dave.mp3 )

This was received well, so I decided to finish the tale. For the next OHC, I wrote the untold story between "Dave has blood to spare" and "Dave killed the other two bears". Just to finish it off, you know?

When we last left off, Dave had just killed the other two bears that were trying to kill him. Thanks to shitty time constraints, I never got to finish the story properly.

And so I bring to you the thrilling conclusion to “Dave’s Cave”

Dave used his mighty fists to punch through the first bear, tearing out its heart and brandishing it like some sick trophy before the other. The final bear hesitated.

When fighting Dave the Bastard, the single biggest mistake you can make is get into a fight with Dave the Bastard.

The second mistake, however, is hesitating. This bear, as noted previously, is dumber than a bag of wet mice and doesn’t know how much shit he’s really in. Except for in the literal sense, because when looking at the recently excavated heart of a dear friend, one tends to shit oneself rather readily.

While the bear was frightened and dazed by the scent of its own entrails vacating their host via rectum, Dave pounced. Coiled muscles stronger than any lion, faster than any cheetah propelled Dave like a screaming missile at the poor creature. Callused, five-pointed instruments of death knows as Lefty and Righty made contact at high velocity, shredding the unfortunate bastard’s skin. The decimated dermis fell like hairy bacon from the flesh of the creature, and presented with a veritable feast, Dave used his teeth, worn to fine points from chewing on the unhallowed bones of the defeated.

Dave gloried, revelling in the flaying of raw flesh from cold bone.

By this point, what was once a bear was now a quivering mass of mush and inedible tissues.

Now weary from this frenzied slaughter, Dave slumped down under the crashing waterfall that guarded his home and washed away the remnants of both a foe and a feast.

Dave slouched back into his cave, hauled himself onto his cold, hard bed, and fell into a deep slumber.

And then he promptly pissed himself.

Again.

(Recording here: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/68478833/Music/Dave%202.mp3 )

You may notice the style change in the second instalment...I think I was in a worse mood that night. Definitely a darker place.

Anyways, I do plan to continue this tale. Feel free to leave suggestions for things to happen.
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ScootaLewis
 
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Joined: 28 Aug 2012 12:31
Location: Scotland

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