Help With Lyrics

[MixolydianPony]

I looked through the whole forum a few times trying to figure out where to put this... If I am in error, I apologize.

I am seeking assistance with my lyric writing. I feel like my lyrics are weak, and I can't quite pinpoint the problem. Here is a sample of some lyrics I wrote for a song dealing with the first few minutes of Season 1 Episode 1. I was trying to achieve some degree of uniqueness to the lyrics, but I feel like the whole thing is just a failure. Some of it makes me cringe, with the agonizing cliches and generic wording. Criticize and analyze with no restraint; I do not get offended. This is intended to be progressive rock, so the near complete lack of repetition and excessive length is intentional.

---
Her eyes see nothing but the books
She fosters a love of fact and truth
Her exclusive drive to read and learn
Makes her disregard the calls of youth

She reads the words, line after line
But halts at a peculiar reference
A book of fact stated the great myth
And the ink of the tome did not lie

Pre Chorus:
She's fixed on a mystery
Buried beneath the cloud of history
She must know the truth

Chorus:
Seeking answers from the pages
The Student and the Prophecy

Her dark hair blows in the wind
As she sprints for the great library
The Student hopes to find there
The answer in the paper sea

Pre Chorus
Chorus

After ages in the books
She found what she was seeking
The truth behind the fairy tale
The Prophecy that was dead to memory

"On the longest night of the thousandth year
The stars will aid in The Exile's return
And the sun will forever die"

Staring aghast at the pages
She knew it to be true
The Prophecy that was dead to memory
Was a factual impending doom

The Monarch must be told
She will know what to do
The mentor of the Student
But she already knew
---

The whole thing is just... bleh.... help?
Am I trying too hard to rhyme?

[Kryptage]

To be honest, I don't feel any kind of meter with these. Obviously I have no music to go with it. But unless you're running odd time signatures, to me they seem to lack a general meter. That, and I think the fact that you're trying to make them unique, is making you forget about how many syllables you're using...meaning the flow is jagged.

I don't think that you trying to make them interesting is harming them, I think you did a good job making them pretty cool and different. You just need to work on flow.

[Edit]: I just noticed the progressive rock part, guess I just managed to skip that sentence entirely. (disregard the odd time signature statement, cause now I understand this might not be intended to be on 4.)

[Versilaryan]

Blargh. Been a while since I've critiqued poetry. Here goes!

(Quick note, before I begin, everything I say is purely my own opinion unless I say otherwise. Feel free to reject anything I say here if you don't agree with it.)

I think what you need to do is find a fresh, new way to tell the story. What I like to do is focus on a single aspect of the story and use that to tell a message. If you don't mind me pimping my own stuff, in "For Luna", I focus on the rush of power Luna feels as Nightmare Moon, and use that to tell the oft-repeated story of her imprisonment. "Reach for the Sun" is a second-person song telling Twilight not to act so crazy (in Lesson Zero).

What I see right now, you don't really send any message across -- you're just reiterating what happens. I mean, it works, but it's not powerful at all, emotionally. Even if you don't want something like that, find a new perspective to the story so it's at least powerful in an intellectual way. We've all watched the episode before, so just telling it like we've all seen it makes it sound hackneyed and unoriginal.

Another thing, definitely tied to the first paragraph, is that the opening needs to set up the rest of the song. That first stanza makes it sound like it's about how Twilight needs more social interaction, but it's not. If you're telling an epic story, set it up like that! No need to be cliche with a "Listen to my tale, boys and girls" opener -- describing something relevant to the plot would work. Or something. Just throwing some ideas around.

Lastly, it's randomly in third person. That kind of bothers me, especially given the way you wrote it -- it's almost like you gave no thought into the point of view. Point of view is a really powerful tool. If you write it in third person, make sure there's a reason it's in third person. Or in second person. Or first person. Right now, it sounds like a first-person song told with third-person pronouns.

Lastly lastly, some nitpicky stuff. You say "the" a lot where it isn't really needed. The is a powerful word -- it means there's ONE particular thing. I personally try to avoid saying "the anything" because it can sound really odd if you don't use it right.

And then you randomly switch between past and present tense, so keep an eye out for that!

About the rhyming, you can really get away with not doing it in lyrics. Feel free to completely ignore the rhyme scheme once in a while, or just use near rhymes instead of actual rhymes. Nobody will care if you break the rules once or twice, especially if you use near rhymes.

[MixolydianPony]

To be honest, I don't feel any kind of meter with these. Obviously I have no music to go with it. But unless you're running odd time signatures, to me they seem to lack a general meter. That, and I think the fact that you're trying to make them unique, is making you forget about how many syllables you're using...meaning the flow is jagged.

I don't think that you trying to make them interesting is harming them, I think you did a good job making them pretty cool and different. You just need to work on flow.

[Edit]: I just noticed the progressive rock part, guess I just managed to skip that sentence entirely. (disregard the odd time signature statement, cause now I understand this might not be intended to be on 4.)

I see what you mean now. I payed almost no attention to meter when writing it. And while it is prog. rock, all of the parts with vocals are in 4/4 because... well... have you ever tried singing over odd time?

Blargh. Been a while since I've critiqued poetry. Here goes!

(Quick note, before I begin, everything I say is purely my own opinion unless I say otherwise. Feel free to reject anything I say here if you don't agree with it.)

I think what you need to do is find a fresh, new way to tell the story. What I like to do is focus on a single aspect of the story and use that to tell a message. If you don't mind me pimping my own stuff, in "For Luna", I focus on the rush of power Luna feels as Nightmare Moon, and use that to tell the oft-repeated story of her imprisonment. "Reach for the Sun" is a second-person song telling Twilight not to act so crazy (in Lesson Zero).

What I see right now, you don't really send any message across -- you're just reiterating what happens. I mean, it works, but it's not powerful at all, emotionally. Even if you don't want something like that, find a new perspective to the story so it's at least powerful in an intellectual way. We've all watched the episode before, so just telling it like we've all seen it makes it sound hackneyed and unoriginal.

In reality, this song was a way for me to test the possibility of doing an entire concept album dedicated to telling the story of the first two episodes, but I see what you mean about a narrative with no emotional message. You're right about retelling it the way we all saw it... I suppose I'll either find a different perspective or drop the idea.

Another thing, definitely tied to the first paragraph, is that the opening needs to set up the rest of the song. That first stanza makes it sound like it's about how Twilight needs more social interaction, but it's not. If you're telling an epic story, set it up like that! No need to be cliche with a "Listen to my tale, boys and girls" opener -- describing something relevant to the plot would work. Or something. Just throwing some ideas around.

I totally missed that. Thanks.

Lastly, it's randomly in third person. That kind of bothers me, especially given the way you wrote it -- it's almost like you gave no thought into the point of view. Point of view is a really powerful tool. If you write it in third person, make sure there's a reason it's in third person. Or in second person. Or first person. Right now, it sounds like a first-person song told with third-person pronouns.

Lastly lastly, some nitpicky stuff. You say "the" a lot where it isn't really needed. The is a powerful word -- it means there's ONE particular thing. I personally try to avoid saying "the anything" because it can sound really odd if you don't use it right.

And then you randomly switch between past and present tense, so keep an eye out for that!

About the rhyming, you can really get away with not doing it in lyrics. Feel free to completely ignore the rhyme scheme once in a while, or just use near rhymes instead of actual rhymes. Nobody will care if you break the rules once or twice, especially if you use near rhymes.

Again, I see the thing about point of view now that you've mentioned it to me. I am guilty of overusing "the" on many occasions. The tense... oops.

===

Thank you for the help, you've highlighted several critical things that escaped my notice.