by ExoBassTix » 31 Aug 2014 04:58
Nowadays, I've kinda tricked myself in a more beneficial understanding of what it means to actually waste time. I've also given up in getting upset because my priorities in life might be out of balance with good health.
When I get on my laptop, I usually do one thing for five hours or so. Whether that's browsing forums or music, being around on Skype, doing Japanese Puzzles, just listening music in that lifeless cocoon I sometimes transform into, staring at my DAW while listening to all 15sec WiPs I've accumulated over the past two years, or just dedicatedly tweaking some sound with all kinds of FX, I do it all and usually very long. And when I get dragged off by my parents, or when I go to bed, I start remembering all kinds of things I had told myself I should do. Then I tend to mentally throw myself against some hard walls till the stars don't go, and sometimes I go out of bed (UGH) to write whatever thought sprung up in me on my whiteboard, to maybe once be read coincidentally. Never when it matters though.
Getting back to the red line of this post (I'm awfully good at branching off from the red line quite far, and then forgetting what that red line was; great for getting upset at yourself), if this was a year ago, I'd have called most of the things I tend to do as a waste and either ignore it, break down just a little or beat myself up mentally, after I'm done wasting it (though occasionally the thought does occur while wasting time, but I still continue doing it). Nowadays, I just tell myself I had fun and that whatever I did was okay.
I prefer living in a fake reality if it helps me not beat myself down mentally.
Sadly, this fake reality also consumes me enough that I less and less remember to shower, nor care about taking a shower. Or taking a drink. Or doing whatever chore my parents got lined up for me. That last bit especially makes it still have a big negative side. Because now they get upset or passive aggressive at me, and I can't explain why I don't do them chores, so they fill it in themselves, which inevitably traps me and triggers either anger, self-hate, self-destructiveness, depression or something else. Or just altogether if you will.
Collecting dust...Dieselminded drifter dodging delirium in daunting dreamscapes.